I don't really know anymore what is going through my head. I finally have my vacation, my I still feel so stressed. I just sleep till midday every day, or just lay there; just doing nothing. I wanna do something but I feel too powerless to do anything.
I can't draw, my head goes fully blank when I try. I have few ideas sometimes, but my hand don't remember anymore how to follow my thoughts. I wanna try, but my hand draws endless circle on the paper until it's broken.
I want to do something with my hands, but I don't really have any inspiration.
But there is few things what makes me happy. One of them is my older brother; we have had bad relationship for few years and I have felt like I just wanna hit him. So hard. But.. Nowadays, he often comes to talk with me; that's really odd here. And he is asking all the time "When are you going to play with me?". When we were kids, I didn't have lots of friends, so I often played videogames with my brother. He were there always for me. We talk and joke around more than what we did year ago. I feel like giving a big hug for him.
I'm really tired. I don't really know my own thoughts well. I feel like mess. I feel like some freaking zombie. But some how I'm pushing myself through all of this depression I have. Or atleast I wish that.
I wanna see someone. My dear. My bestfriend. Someone. But at the same time I feel like I wanna be alone. Just lock myself in my room and just lay on my bed, thinking. If can think anything anymore. I really wanna be alone and see someone.
It feels like I'm going absolutely insane and nobody has noticed. Maybe I just have learned to hid it so well.
I feel like an idiot.
I should go to sleep.
Listening to: Kiryu - Sakuyoi